Kind of Going No Where

Three and a half weeks ago I came down with what I am referring to as the CRAP. The first week was is extreme pain, cough, and countinuous clear snot coming out of god knows where. The rest of it is continuous nose blowing and cough. Now just a cough. My body just feels like a germ factory.

I had no desire to do anything the first week. Now I have so much I need and want to do, just little energy. The blog took a back seat to the housework and my portfolio. My brainstorming has been next to nil. There is so much to do and so little time.

Illness is never easy to avoid when you work in healthcare and childcare. No one really cares how you feel or if it is really a safe idea to have you in charge of anything. You're a warm body and that makes you good enough. I disagree.

Now that I am in healthcare I disagree even more. Operating heavy machinery to lift people and lifting people on your own, you need to have good judgement. Sometimes you still have accidents when you are having a good day. Do you really want someone who can't think well for themselves make decisions for others?

Issues

I hope those of you that have read this blog have enjoyed it so far. I have tried to touch on different subjects each time I post. I want them to be thoughtful and informative, a little window into who I have been and who I am. I also hope that some may be food for thought. That you think, I think I learned something.

In writing these I find it increasingly hard to just write it out. The emotions in that time can come right back to me and I have to table writing for a while. It drives me crazy too. You think you are over certain things...

My previous story about my son's father and I, is a very good example. There was so much more to the story. So many more agrivations. I had to really sit back and decide how to taper it down and still be understandable.

I am hoping you will bare with me. I am hoping someone is reading this. I have so many stories to tell. Some have not even happened yet. They just need to be lived.

Poetry Time #7

 The Morning After


You left me alone on my island to die
Friend
I said, no
You thought it was a passionate moment

I was passed out
He asked to be with me
I said, yes
You left me alone

When he said I could take it
I said, no
You thought it was a passionate moment

He flipped me over
You heard me too
I begged him, no
You left me

I passed out
The pain
The fear
You thought

I woke up
He was done
I thanked god
Passed out again
You left me on my island to die alone

He disappeared
Satisfied in my humiliation
Hours later
You come in
Its time to leave
I'm with you on my island dying alone

What a piece of work
I mumble
What do you mean?
I have no answers
You thought it was a passionate moment

When I tell you
You do not believe me
You leave me

Then you do
And choose to ignore it
You wanted it to be a passionate moment

I threw up all day
Scrubbed my body
A million different way
Stared at walls
I am left on my island to die alone


written in my mid 20's

Sex, Drug, and Rock n Roll Part 2

So he wasn't very pretty. His words were ugly and meant for me. No one wanted him in their band. He painted very little now. It was very clear he wasn't Italian. Now he just stayed up all night singing a song I had hoped was for me. I'm sure it wasn't.

Yes, I stayed with him. My parents were not going to have a baby and I as a burden. They had their own problems. So came the big day.

I had been in labor for three days. I was uncomfortable and trying to find a way to make it until the next day for my scheduled C-section. My best friend at the time was spending the night so he could take us the next morning. I wasn't going to make it though.

At some point the guys went out for a smoke. While they were out, my boyfriend felt the need to unburden himself on my friend. He was having sex with other woman. My friend set that aside for two weeks.

I gave birth to beautiful little replica of us. It didn't save our relationship though. We could barely hide the animosity while either of our moms visited. And finally Andrew came clean about what he had been told.

I was devastated. Yet all the signs had been there. For a few minutes I tried to convince myself he was lying. Andrew and his wife came over and we drove around Seattle for an hour or so. I cried and we tried to figure out a way to get out of the situation. I was foolish and thought I needed to stick it out. I got home to a dark house and sat there.

Not long after this we received an eviction notice. Things were almost always tense between us. We were lucky though, our sons growth and discovery were constant. Giving us a reason to come together. He was the best thing we ever did.

We moved into a dump in one of the crappier parts of Seattle. I became the mother of two children. I went back to work early. He lost his job and no one would hire him. So he became Mr. Mom. Smoking pot(and god knows what else) all day while watching our son.

I never knew what would send him in a rage. If I didn't start eating my food and tell him how great it was immediately, it was an insult and taken from me. I really didn't like to burn my mouth. If I said the sky was blue, I didn't know 'what the fuck' I was talking about. If I didn't want to have sex when he did I was a prude. If I wasn't as into it as he was...

It came to the point where I decided if that was the way things were played, I should get some satisfaction too. He went on a tirade during sex and belittled me, I just started laughing. This had a not so pleasant effect on him, deciding to choke me. After this happened a couple of times I changed my mind.

My family came to visit and could tell the relationship was strained. My sister offered her assistance with my mom's backing. For the first time I saw a light at the end of the tunnel. The dissolving of this relationship began.

He has since been cut off but the ex was looking off in the other direction. Winner...

 In a matter of weeks I had gone home and gotten a job. Made arrangements to stay with my parents.  I came home and packed up. There was talk of  it being a separation and once I found a place we would see where we wanted to go. It never happened.

Two years later, I was listening to my headphones as I walked through the first floor of the hospital. A familiar tune was playing and I stopped, took a detour to the bathroom. "I know place where I can go.... oh into your arms, oh into your arms, into your arms, I will go." I'd heard it a million times in my sleep. He didn't even write it.

Reflections on Seattle

Still finishing up Part 2 to Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll so here's kind of a poem.


It was my first taste of freedom
Where I met my son's sperm donor
Where my son was born
The first place I was ever really alone
Where I took some risks
It is where I was stalked
Where I was raped 
Where I got my first apartment
It is where I drove by myself, my one and only time
Where I watched 2 men chase a girl who was screaming down the street
I learned to dumpster dive
It was where for the first time i felt like a minority
It's where I went to escape from what I was becoming
Only to make more mistakes

Holding My Breath

I called over and over again to no answer. Slammed the phone, inserted my quarter, called the operator, etc. I just needed to hear my sisters voice. She should have been home from school by now! After forty five minutes I gave up.

So I got on the bus to head home. By the time I got there she should be too. Then we could devise a plan to get to Adam. Trapped in an age lacking cell phones. I had to go in the opposite direction so I didn't leave Tammy alone. I quickly discovered why I couldn't get a hold of her.

I sat on the bus on Barger, creeping towards the intersection for at least a half hour. Unlike her I knew who the victim was. Every foot closer I tried to stop the tears. But by the time we got to the intersection I could see the investigators and my chest tightened. Many on the bus were staring at me now.

Once past Beltline the bus seem to move even slower. My tears ran faster. I thought about just getting off and running but I knew I had to think this through. Every stop seemed to be needed until mine was reached.

I flew off the steps and started to run. I am not big on running but I didn't want Tammy to sit any longer alone. I didn't want to be alone any longer. If I could just drop the bag weighing me down!

I was lucky there was a gate in the middle of the fence surrounding the housing community. I had hopped it before on several occasions when I didn't have the energy to walk all the way around to the entrance. One good push and I was over. Nothing was going to stop me from getting to the front steps now. I could see the door.

I wrestled with the keys, with my heart pounding out of my chest. Finally in, I said 'Tammy!'. And 'Tammy?'again, and 'Tammy!' again,  Then screamed it repeatedly. I curled up in a ball and started to sob and scream.

The door flew open and Tammy came to me. 'We were out looking for you."

Mom had arranged for someone to pick us up and take us to the hospital. I wiped away a few tears so I could see. We hugged each other all the way to the car. Climbed in the back. And hugged all the way to Sacred Heart.

Poetry Time #5

The Need for Speed


Satisfaction they look for
Love and drugs they need
They started off with four
Doing too much speed
Now there's even more
But some have done their deed
Something they didn't know before
The others gave their plead
In a stuffy, obnoxious court
Doesn't matter what creed
They're a circus horror
And so they start to bleed
From the twist of those swords
That closed mind disease
In their face a slamming door
No one there to believe
Down to those cold heart cores
That any of them would succeed
So came the blood and gore
And they started again with three


written when I was 16



I hope you know I love you


I forgot you
Missed the day
Three weeks later
Alone in tears
Life does go on
That is a gift and an injustice
You don't die to stop time
Time doesn't stop when taking a life
It steals and hordes in a corner
While we keep on moving
It's strangling each flame
That warmed our soul
I"m sorry sweet bother
I damaged you again
Like i did in life
I ask your forgiveness
With no memorial to salute you
No plot to place flowers
That day has become like any other
Leaves, sun, tide, keep falling, shining, and eroding
So along with those
You are left behind
It would be useless to fight
I am only human
Oh to error
Oh to you


written in college

Dont forget! Part 2 of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll  will be next week. Have you read Part 1 yet?