In the Beginning There Was a Dream

The thing about dreams are you can have as many as you like but without action they are just dreams. I tried to ignore that for years. I honestly thought things would just naturally come to me. I can not wiggle my nose and nothing happens when I bow my head. I just assumed I was cute enough and had enough potential.
I'm sure all of us have had them growing up. As we got older they solidified and or changed.  What makes some so positive throughout their lives that they actually grow into that dream they create? Others never come near what they thought they wanted at one time.
I wanted to be an actress, singer, writer, and god knows what else. I liked the attention that came with performing. I was horrible at remembering my lines and got stage fright as I got older, same with singing. I wasn't a big reader so I don't know why I thought I could write.
Poetry did satisfy that dream until I quit writing about 10 years ago. I still have a review from a poetry group I was in years ago comparing my poems to Melissa Etheridge's work. But still no one has seen them. And who knows it probably was a stretch.
Some dreams drift to the ether and others just get buried. Most of my dreams have revolved around the arts. Yet I was never that good at anything I tried. As we grow up we have to face up to the reality some dreams must be passed. My most recent dreams, still artistic are hanging by a thread. I am always too tired, too busy, or feel like whats the point. I keep trying. Half ass attempts and all.
I know as we get older some dreams are handed off for more realistic adult things. But in my experience without dreams we have no hope. Without hope what reason do we have to go on? Does growing up mean giving all your dreams no matter how small? No.

One of my recreations.

Poetry Time

One Positive Thing About Me

I love to laugh
Feel it in my son
Make silly faces
Feel fingers on my toes
Fighting to escape them
Stupid jokes
Root beer out your nose
Impressions
Warm hugs
Tucked in
Soft stuffed animals
Sweet kisses on my head

My Own

It ain't that bad, found my key at the last minute
Received an award at work, it ain't that bad
It ain't that bed, only got off work an hour late
Attempted my homework, it ain't that bad
It ain't that bad, dad only lost his hearing for an hour and a half
Grandpa fell on his face again, it ain't that bad
My mom is starting Alzheimer's medication, she's only 50
It ain't that bad, I can leave the light off and cry in the shower
Its early morning no one will know, it is that bad
Found a note by my door, it ended love, your friend
It ain't so bad



both written in my 20s in college.

  

41

It was a hard year. So many have been. 8,18, 21, 35, 40, and now 41. My father had a triple bypass at 41. Then my mother came down with a mystery illness at the same age. All I felt was doom lurking around  me. Any little thing had me paranoid.

Pulmonary Embolisms are a sudden blockage of the arteries in the lungs. This is generally brought on by inactivity, surgery, or cancer(mine though is to believed to have been causes by birth control). A clot breaks off from clots in the leg(deep vein thrombosis) and travels to the lungs. This can be fatal.
.
At 35, I developed multiple blood clots in my lungs. With 6 months of coumadin, they had gone away. In that time since I had done nothing to sway this impending doom.You would think would have done something to improve my health.

Even though birth control is said to be blamed, rapid weight loss contributed too. I had lost 35 lbs., gained muscle, ate healthier, worked out and my payment for my hard work was horrible back pain, breathing issues. I also became fearful of fruits and vegetables. My salvation- rat poison.

So I had a quiet little year of keeping a suitable median and survived 41. I just did what i sometimes do best and hold my breath. Asked my husband to marry me. And we do our crazy ever after.

Info provided by mayoclinic.com

Getting to know you.

My name is Angel. I have lived on the second floor. You may have seen me before and chose to ignore. This is a timeline of me. Perhaps this will give you no hint of where we are going. I like to think i have an idea but with few absolutes in my life I tend to stay off topic.

March 71- My parents met
May 71- My mom discovers she got knocked up and parents rush to get married
Dec. 71- I appeared out of no where

Sept. 73- My sister is born
June 75- My brother is born

1975 or 1976- I was molested

1990- Graduated High School
            Brother hit by car on the way home from school and killed
1991- Lost virginity
           Dad had open heart surgery
1992- Move to Seattle
           Raped
           Mom got sick with 'mystery' illness
1993- Get knocked up by a heroine addict
            Our son is born
1994- Split with jerk and become a single mom
           Move home
1995- Said jerk knocks up someone else
           Baby is born
           Met future husband
1997- Start college
1998- Out of control personal life
           Raped
           Became best friends with my sons brothers mother

2001- Quit my job to finish college
2002- Graduated
2005- Reacquainted with my future husband
2006- Got pregnant and had my second son
            My mother died
2007- Lost our son and our minds
            Started new profession
2008- Blood clots in lungs

2012- My sister died
            My son graduated from high school
            My son joined the Marines
            Found various family members I haven't talked to in 25-30 yrs through Facebook
2014- I married my friend of almost 20 years  

I have been writing in different forms since I was a little girl. I will discuss many of the topics in my lifeline plus so much more. I will also share poetry, how to live fabulous on nothing, guest writers, and so much more. Anything there you would like me to discuss sooner than later? Stay tuned.