Reflections on Seattle

Still finishing up Part 2 to Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll so here's kind of a poem.


It was my first taste of freedom
Where I met my son's sperm donor
Where my son was born
The first place I was ever really alone
Where I took some risks
It is where I was stalked
Where I was raped 
Where I got my first apartment
It is where I drove by myself, my one and only time
Where I watched 2 men chase a girl who was screaming down the street
I learned to dumpster dive
It was where for the first time i felt like a minority
It's where I went to escape from what I was becoming
Only to make more mistakes

Holding My Breath

I called over and over again to no answer. Slammed the phone, inserted my quarter, called the operator, etc. I just needed to hear my sisters voice. She should have been home from school by now! After forty five minutes I gave up.

So I got on the bus to head home. By the time I got there she should be too. Then we could devise a plan to get to Adam. Trapped in an age lacking cell phones. I had to go in the opposite direction so I didn't leave Tammy alone. I quickly discovered why I couldn't get a hold of her.

I sat on the bus on Barger, creeping towards the intersection for at least a half hour. Unlike her I knew who the victim was. Every foot closer I tried to stop the tears. But by the time we got to the intersection I could see the investigators and my chest tightened. Many on the bus were staring at me now.

Once past Beltline the bus seem to move even slower. My tears ran faster. I thought about just getting off and running but I knew I had to think this through. Every stop seemed to be needed until mine was reached.

I flew off the steps and started to run. I am not big on running but I didn't want Tammy to sit any longer alone. I didn't want to be alone any longer. If I could just drop the bag weighing me down!

I was lucky there was a gate in the middle of the fence surrounding the housing community. I had hopped it before on several occasions when I didn't have the energy to walk all the way around to the entrance. One good push and I was over. Nothing was going to stop me from getting to the front steps now. I could see the door.

I wrestled with the keys, with my heart pounding out of my chest. Finally in, I said 'Tammy!'. And 'Tammy?'again, and 'Tammy!' again,  Then screamed it repeatedly. I curled up in a ball and started to sob and scream.

The door flew open and Tammy came to me. 'We were out looking for you."

Mom had arranged for someone to pick us up and take us to the hospital. I wiped away a few tears so I could see. We hugged each other all the way to the car. Climbed in the back. And hugged all the way to Sacred Heart.

Poetry Time #5

The Need for Speed


Satisfaction they look for
Love and drugs they need
They started off with four
Doing too much speed
Now there's even more
But some have done their deed
Something they didn't know before
The others gave their plead
In a stuffy, obnoxious court
Doesn't matter what creed
They're a circus horror
And so they start to bleed
From the twist of those swords
That closed mind disease
In their face a slamming door
No one there to believe
Down to those cold heart cores
That any of them would succeed
So came the blood and gore
And they started again with three


written when I was 16



I hope you know I love you


I forgot you
Missed the day
Three weeks later
Alone in tears
Life does go on
That is a gift and an injustice
You don't die to stop time
Time doesn't stop when taking a life
It steals and hordes in a corner
While we keep on moving
It's strangling each flame
That warmed our soul
I"m sorry sweet bother
I damaged you again
Like i did in life
I ask your forgiveness
With no memorial to salute you
No plot to place flowers
That day has become like any other
Leaves, sun, tide, keep falling, shining, and eroding
So along with those
You are left behind
It would be useless to fight
I am only human
Oh to error
Oh to you


written in college

Dont forget! Part 2 of Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll  will be next week. Have you read Part 1 yet?

Sex, Drugs, and Rock n Roll Part 1

He was so pretty. I thought he was Italian. He drew pretty pictures, penned pretty words, and was in a band. 20 years old, I thought I hit the jackpot.
First sign the relationship is doomed... When he says 'If you don't have sex with me right now, I'm breaking up with you.' We were going to meet my friends at the Cheesecake Factory. After some crying and begging we continued our futile relationship.
Second sign...You are paying for everything. He invited you out and he knows a guy that (used to) works in the kitchen. Most everyone else has no use for him.
Third sign...He gets jealous when he finds out the guy that raped you dropped by. I'm upset and shaking. You are asking me if we had sex? Being young, I excuse this bizarre behavior. Jealousy is kind of a turn on, right?
He is hot, fun, and we are young. And now we are pregnant! It all goes down hill from there. The more pregnant I was, the uglier he got.
He tried at times. 3 hours late because he decided to shop lift dinner. Then there were the nights he stopped at a bar and while nobody was looking he would try to down as much stuff before the bartender came back and I wouldn't hear from him for a day or two. Or the nights he was working late and he went home with one of his female coworkers.
I took to eating a half gallon of ice cream most days. It is easier to stuff those feelings of doom with a spoon. The spoon blocks some of the sharp words he stabs you with from his self loathing. But it doesn't save you from the multiple pounds you put on in hopes of toughening that skin that was once so thin.
I would like to say I learned something. That I left him the day I locked myself out of the house. I waddled my way to his job to get the house key. I was almost 9 months along. I walked into his new job and was verbally assaulted by some irate woman who owned the restaurant. In front of the lunch hour crowd, I was mortified. He had walked out a couple days before trashing the place in the process.
I left there and went to the next logical place. Hanging with his junkie best friend. I walk into the laundry mat request the key. Turn around and walk back out the door.

Our crappy apartment 5 days after having 1st child.

To be continued...

Day Trip to the Oregon Coast

Heading down highway 126

One of my favorite trips is to the Oregon Coast. I used to do a lot of different things to keep me occupied during the drive there. Recently though, I have been enjoying the view. Here's my shutter bugging through my dirty car window. 

 

Lots and lots of trees

Between Mapleton and Florence.

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It's approximately 60 miles between Eugene and Florence on the beautiful Oregon Coast. It has been my sanctuary since I was 19. Some dear friends lived there at the time that let me stay with them. It was my first vacation as an adult. My first time to myself on the 1st anniversary of my brothers death. It now is the place I find myself the most relaxed.

 Florence is basically in the middle of the Oregon Coast. Population approximately 8500. Full of unique shops and seafood restaurants for the tourists. I prefer a little BBQ, Craig's BBQ. My favorite places to shop is the Goodwill and the bead stores. There are quite a few between Florence and Newport.

Onto Heceta Head

Sceenery is always changing

Welcome to Haceta Head

I love this beach! Its February and its in the 60s and yes the water is cold but refreshing. Every time i come the beach is a little different. The fresh air cleans my lungs and my mind.

No matter how cold i love the water covering my toes.

I love this bridge. Under the bridge is the outlet of the Siuslaw River into the Ocean.

One last thing. Check out the roots of this tree. Just hanging there! Hope you enjoyed our little trip to the coast! Those not from the area please leave a comment and let me know where you are from and what you think.

 The ride home is usually dark. But the sky is quite nice when it isn't raining...

Thanx for Looking!

Poetry time #4

The Snake In My Garden


You want to be in love
Cherry Wine
Walking down by the railroad tracks

It sounds so sweet
It sounds so fine

Your eyes look into me
Wanting to reveal every part
Perhaps you could love me

It sounds so sweet

I could talk
Or take off my clothes
You conclude

It sounds so fine

You love the way I taste
And what you touch
So please dont stop

It sounds so sweet
It sounds so fine

You hand me an apple
Laughing with such delight
Asking me to take a bite

It tastes so sweet
It tastes so fine

You're so evil
You're so divine

WOMAN in the dark is all i hear
It echos in my mind
Til i scream in a wild frenzy

It feels so sweet
It feels so fine

We have nothing in common
So it wont happen again
But as I run my lips down your neck
There is no refusal
Take no prisoners

I stare at the ceiling in the middle of night
You talk in your sleep of the poisoned mind

Everything good
I've look for and missed in you
All the bad I tried to avoid
But always enjoyed

Perhaps you are evil
Yet so divine


written when I was 20

Poetry Time #3

Split


Poor, tortured little me
No one loves a girl
No one needs to see
The pearl

Inside the dark
Hard shell
Something the ocean sparked
A little piece of hell

Jumbled in her head
Do they, dont they
As I sleep in bed
Asleep by the bay

Dream of blanket love
Warmth denied to long
We would like to be a dove
Sing a sweet song



Untitled

All illusions about myself tossed aside
I am stronger now
I will survive
Graduated baby steps and take it all in stride
No matter how many steps i take back
I can acknowledge my inabilities
Yet sometimes i get lost in me,me,me
I have learned to look beyond my victim
In need of apologies
I may go from green, orange, red and gold on the leaf
But my soul still floats
After the leaf crumbles under your feet
My brain may continue
To play tricks on me
That i am stupid,m ugly, and untalented
I am stronger now
I will survive
Living has made this all possible
Not sitting in defeat
Trying
Whether I accomplish or fail
Self confidence has built
Little victories each time
I stumble
I fall
Step out of time
I am stronger now
I will survive

written in college around 2000

The Secrets That People Keep

Have you ever kept a lie so long you forgot the truth? As my mother got progressively sick she went to her family to see if she had any health issues as a child she wasn't aware of. The reply was always no. Then one day after her mother died, my dad received a call.
It was my mother's aunt. She thought he should know that mom had had polio when she was 5. They had not tried to keep it from her on purpose they had just forgotten. It was such a stigma at the time they had hid it the best they could from everyone.
At it's peak in the 1940s and 1950s polio would paralyze and kill over a half a million people a year. Few of us know how great the affect was on people in society at the time. People lived in constant fear that they would be next to someone with the disease and/or contracting that.
If there was an epidemic outbreak, public places were closed and people were cut off from contact with one another. Swimming pools were closed. The 1946 Minnesota State Fair was canceled to reduce the spread of polio. Rumors suggested polio was caused by bubble gum. Which to a certain point was true.
I am not clear how long my mother was in the hospital with polio. I do know she spent time in an iron lung. For those who are to young to know the term, it was used for administering prolonged artificial respiration by means of a mechanical pump. Which explained her claustrophobia she had endured all her life. With her dementia it was even worse. She also had multiple surgeries.

an iron lung.

All this experience at the age of 5 faded into a dream for my mother. And by the time it was a reality, 14 years into a 'mystery illness' it did her no good. In the early ages of post polio syndrome proper treatment can usually make life bearable. Not knowing what was wrong with her, aggressive treatments were done. They started radiation, chemo, and when her immune system gave out completely immune globulin therapy. All in the hope of saving her from getting worse. And at times she would do better for short periods of time

Then came the deluge of medications as more and more problems arose. At one point so many she was unable to communicate with us and barely moved. We thought it was the end. The next day my dad went to her doctor and demanded she be  taken off of everything except what was necessary. Within weeks my mother was back to herself. It didn't last forever but she at least seemed alive.

My aunts call was 14 years too late. It explained many things about my mom. It could not help her though. She had a CT scan at 46 that showed she had the brain of a 70 year old. At 56 she was gone.

My mom and her sister

info provided by encyclopedia.com

                          wikipedia.com

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Poetry Time Part 2

Due to illness this week i am going to WOW you with more poetry.




I remember shady trees
with stretched out branches
reaching over the river
as we splashed

I remember leeches
between my toes
the pain different
than any other

I remember my ball
floating away
dad and rick trying to get it
how did i not go with it

I remember watermelon
it tasted good then
as it dripped on my toes

I remember bare feet in the dirt
how i hated it
the gritty feel
before it became mud

I remember we never
did anything like that
when i got older
I remember being four





Saturday night on the way home from grandpa and grandma's
We would stop at the store
While mom went in to get groceries
We sat and listened to the radio
In our old Rambler
Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard
or a Solid Gold Saturday night
Under the ceiling light, heavy breathing
Burning Ring of Fire always echos
When writing on fogged glass



both written in college in my 20s